Treading the Water Cooler

Something I wrote this afternoon.  These characters are in some other work that I started a while back.  I may post some of that as well.  I'm not overly thrilled with this but its the first swing of the axe in a while, so fuck it im gonna put it out there and move on.  Enjoy.

Treading the Water Cooler

I’d become convinced that my cubicle had the ability to eat souls.  Her appetite wasn’t ravenous, she was a nibbler.  No matter how small her bites, it was becoming increasingly more evident that I had lost my purpose in life.  Dashed dreams of my youth had been eroded away by the tranquil and shallow sea of square pegged conformity.  Here I stood in the footsteps of those I swore I wouldn’t follow, with a million strangers standing next to me on the same path, all of us stepping on each other’s toes looking for the same imaginary thing, our lives.

 I sat looking up at the squared ceiling tiles and wondered for a moment what would happen if I walked out of my cubicle through the office doors, down the stairs, and out on the city street never to return again.  It was this kind of daydreaming that kept me sane, to simply know that it was an option was of great comfort to me and eased the tension.

Arnie poked his head into my cubicle, “Hey boss I’ve got a question.”

I rolled my eyes internally and wondered if he was going to relay a joke or if he had some kind of legitimate problem that would eat up the afternoon.  I did my best to appear pleasant, “What’s going on?”

Arnie walked into my cubicle and let a long steady stream of flatulence leave his body as he started laughing uncontrollably.  He proceeded to leave my cubicle with a trail of his sinister laughter and wretched stench trailing behind him.  I heard a few more laughs from some other coworkers as he returned to his cubicle.

I picked up my coffee cup and headed to the water cooler.   I filled up and sat my cup on an empty desk and headed into the bathroom.  Someone had left the toilet half flushed, their remnants floating in the bowl in a hundred despicable pieces.  They were staring up at me like scattered body parts, I felt like god looking down on the battlefield of Somme after the blood had spilled.  I decided against relieving myself and stepped out onto the main office floor. 

I walked by Arnie’s cubicle and as he looked up at me we shared a laugh, I stopped to chat.  “Hey who was in the bathroom last?  They didn’t flush the fucking toilet.”

“Ahh, yeah that was Warner Von Poops Alot.  He’s a notoriously bad flusher.”

I could sense my anger rising. “You mean Beck?  Jesus, he’s hard enough to get along with as is.  You’d think he’d have the courtesy to flush the fucking toilet properly when he’s done.”  I could sense my anger rising.

Arnie chuckled, “Yeah, personally I think he gets off on it.  I think he likes pissing people off.  You shouldn’t let it get to you.”

I thought about how to not let it piss me off for a few seconds and determined that wasn’t an option.  I was thinking up a retort when Jack the intern walked by Arnie’s cubicle, he was looking down hoping we didn’t notice him. 

Jack was a good kid, he was jovial and kind but his youth did not serve him well in the office.  He was the subject of constant ridicule and scorn for no other reason than it was easy to fuck with him and he didn’t gripe much about it.  Early on he had been nicknamed Grape after the Hanna-Barbera character Grape Ape due to his monkey like facial features.

Arnie called out to him as he passed by, “Grape, get in here!”

Grape rolled his eyes and walked into the cubicle.  “What do you assholes want?”

I pulled Grape by the ear and slapped him lightly on the head, “Aww Grape why ya gotta be such a jerk?”

I let him go and he stood laughing in the cubicle alleyway.  “No seriously, what do you guys want?  I’ve got to get that report finished for Beck by 4.”

Arnie swiveled back and forth in his chair and spoke “Hey I’m having a bbq this weekend.  Sunday, both you guys are invited, bring the families.”

Grape nodded in appreciation, “Sounds good, I’ll be there.  I gotta go though, Beck’s all over my ass for that report.”

As he walked away I tried to think of an excuse not to make it to the BBQ but couldn’t.  I backed of Arnie’s cubicle and muttered “OK man, see you later.”

Arnie was still swiveling, “OK man, stay clear of Beck he’s on the warpath today.”

I walked up the alley of cubicles back to mine and sat down at my desk.  There was less than an hour left before I could go home.  The death camp groan of fingers tapping at keyboards brought about a throbbing in my temples.  I got up from my chair and grabbed my keys.  I walked quickly through the doors, down the stairs and out onto the street.  I lit a cigarette as I entered and started my car.  As I drove away from the office parking lot I felt the throbbing in my temple subside.

As I drove home I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket no less than four times. I ignored t and drove on, steadily making my way through the asshole parade towards home with nothing but the sounds of a washed up singer emanating from my radio.  I could relate to him ten years ago when his songs were poignant and strong, now he was singing just to sing probably because it was all he knew how to do.  Somehow, I didn’t mind listening.

When I got home I let my dog Butler out in the backyard and watched her sprint to the fence and back to me repeatedly.  I walked back inside and grabbed a beer from the fridge.  Returning to the back deck I cracked my beer and sat down with the hopes of lightning the load.

I felt my my phone vibrate against my thigh again.

“Fuck,” I sighed and pulled it out.  There were 5 emails from work.

I sighed again and Butler looked at me with sad eyes. 

I started reading the first email.